Condomplate: The Tesco Experiement
by Grizziesmom
Summary: Sherlock has an experiment he needs to complete...as usual, John is unwillingly involved...


**Another story inspired mby The-Daily-Routine-at-221B...'Nough said!**

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We'd been drinking wine and contemplating the riddles and angles of our latest case. As usual, I wanted make sure I had not missed anything. As was his usual procedure, John was trying to get me to relax and let the case go now that it was done. The discussion and the wine had easily accomplished that. Now my mind was on to something that I'd wanted to try since John's unfortunate row with the chip and pin machine at Tesco.

"C'mon, ask," John said with a wave of his hand, bringing me back to the present, "You've been looking at me like that all afternoon."

"Don't be ridiculous," I said, but I couldn't keep the wicked smirk from my face. I knew that his asking had him hooked into my experiment, "there is nothing I want to ask you."

"Yes, there is," John insisted.

"Ok. I may need your help with an experiment."

"No, no and no. I am never going to help you again."

"I have a huge amount of a new reagent I created but I can't finish it," I said honestly, "unless I find some receptacle strong enough that is not made of iron, plastic, glass or metal," I giggled at my truthful lie. I did have such an experiment running, but that truly wasn't my only experiment…and not really the one I was focused on at the moment.

"You know what would be perfect right now?" John tried to change the subject. I knew his tactics. He was trying to avoid the inevitable.

"A murder?" I suggested and John laughed.

"No. Cheese."

"And we don't have any," I stated succinctly, hoping he would suggest a trip out for some.

"Yes, because you wasted it all on that bloody experiment."

"I didn't waste it," I retorted, "I used it for very important purposes."

"Whatever," John said as he stood abruptly, "I'm going to Tesco."

"Wait, I'll go with you," I said, pleased that I could embark on this experiment sooner than I had hoped.

"What? You're going to the store with me?" John asked in disbelief.

"Problem?" I tilted my head and looked at him. No sense giving the game away.

"No at all. In fact, I'm thinking about buying another bottle of wine if it puts you in such a good mood."

"Yes, we can do that," I replied nonchalantly. If my experiment worked, John just might want another bottle of wine.

We walked to Tesco in silence. I was pretty sure John was trying to figure out my motives. I was planning the plan. I wasn't really sure what it was that I wanted to do, but I knew it involved John and the material I really did need for my experiment back home.

"Here, take my card and go grab your things, then meet me at the cash register," I said as I handed him the card and headed toward the pharmacy area.

"Why?" John asked surprised, "Where are you going?"

"I have to get some things for myself," I said and continued on my way.

I quickly found the area I was looking for and perused the products. Most did not suit my needs for the experiment back at the flat. Any would do for the experiment at our current location. I was just about to give up and grab any box when I spotted the guaranteed latex-free prophylactic.

I quickly grabbed the box and walked to the front of the store to wait for John. He sneaked a glance at my hands to see what I'd gotten and stopped abruptly in front of me.

"Condoms?" he asked, a little bit alarmed, "Is that what you have to buy?"

"Yes," I said with a smile.

"What for?" I could see he was confused at my need for them, but I couldn't help teasing just a little..

"Well, John, you must know what these are made for," I teased, "At least I believe you are a careful man since you're a doctor and –"

"I know what they are for," John cut me off, "I want to know what you need them for."

"These are made of rubber," I said quietly. It was a pretty truthful answer. I had chosen this type specifically because of the rubber. Latex would have dissolved with my reagent..

"Oh," John said as he scanned his items into the chip and pin machine, "Now you can finish your reagent, then?"

"Exactly," I smirked, handing the condom package to him to scan. As soon as he tried to scan it, the machine said _'ITEM NOT REGISTERED'_

"Oh no. Bloody hell, no,." John said looking at me desperately. This could not have worked any better, but I needed to play along. I grabbed the package from John roughly and ran it over the scanner three or four times.

"C'mon!" I yelled and angrily smashed my hand on the red button of the machine.

"What are you doing?" John hissed.

"Calling for help," I said bluntly, looking around for the young girl who helped out in these types of situations.

"Are you out of your mind?" John said quietly, trying to maintain a controlled tone. I could see the red growing in his face. We were already gathering a small audience due to my loud yell.

"What? Why?" I asked, drawing him out.

"Someone will see our items and come to the wrong conclusion."

"What conclusion, John?"

"Two blokes buying wine and condoms on a Saturday evening? WHAT DO YOU THINK, GENIUS?" John almost yelled the last question.

"I didn't ask for all this wine," I said, playing obtuse.

I smiled wickedly as I saw the young girl with mousy hair and pretty blue eyes (_Single mother, barely making it by, hates the job but it's the only one she can find to match her mother's schedule so she doesn't have to pay for a babysitter_) approached behind John. John was about to snap a sarcastic comment back when he noticed my eyes had drifted. He visibly snapped his mouth shut before he turned to face her.

"Oh, well, hi," John said self-consciously.

"Good evening, did you need help with something?" she asked wearily. (_Not enough sleep during the day. Baby is colicky_.)

"Of course. Why else would we have pressed the red button?" I asked logically.

"Be nice," John murmured as he elbowed me in the soft part of my side.

"Ok, right….So, what can I do for you, sir?" the girl asked sweetly.

"Apparently your machine isn't working properly," I said roughly. The girl furrowed her eyebrows. I continued, "It says my item isn't registered in your system."

"Let me see," the girl said as she positioned herself between us and the machine, "Please, give me the item."'

I pulled the condom package from John's hands and gave it to the girl. The girl gave us a strange look and then glanced at the rest of John's shopping before she looked back at John with a naughty smile playing on her lips. I couldn't have planned this any better. I had to focus on the red light flashing above the machine to keep myself from laughing and giving away the game.

John blushed instantly and turned slightly, trying to somewhat hide from the girl. The movement put him closer to me. He was not helping dispel the idea that we were a couple. I watched as John scuffed his shoe along the floor. His kicks against the floor got progressively bigger until he kicked me in the shin. He lost his balance and ending up stepping on one of my feet.

"Ouch! John, be careful!" I growled in pain, "You're really big down there. It could hurt if you use force," I continued, "But it could be helpful sometimes."

I knew John was trying to focus on our conversation being about his feet, but I was putting enough innuendo into the phrasing that I knew everyone else around us was thinking what I was trying to get them to think…exactly the opposite of what John wanted everyone to think.

"It was really useful when I was in the army," John said with a nod, "Opened several doors for me."

I watched as John processed what I had said and what he had said. The blush grew even stronger up his neck and into his short hair.

"Excuse me, sir," the girl said politely, holding the package of condoms, "I am very sorry, but this item can't be scanned."

"No, I'm sorry," I said as politely as I could. John's eyes widened and then dropped into a scowl as I hit home with my words, "Because I'm buying them, so you might want to fix your machine or register your products before you put them on display."

The girl looked around for help and quickly made a decision.

"Sir, this one isn't registered," she tried to explain again, "But we have plenty of other kinds and brands in the same aisle where you found this one."

"Thank you, he's going to pick another one," John said with a forced and embarrassed smile, trying to push me away from the girl.

"Shut up, John!" I said, advancing in the girl's direction, "I can't get another one. I need this specific one or else I would have picked another, don't you think?"

"Sherlock, we can pick another, don't worry," John said charmingly, trying to keep from causing a scandal. It was obviously pointless as most of the customers were already paying attention to our altercation.

"I need this one, John. The others will not fit my purposes. I have a lot of load I want to put on this and this specific brand and type is the one that seems to meet my needs."

I heard people from the queue start whispering to each other and the girl looked horrified. I didn't think John's face could get any redder with embarrassment, but it did.

"Oh my God, Sherlock, shut up. What are you saying?" he hissed.

"The truth. I need those," I said as I reached for the condom package in the girl's hand, but she pulled away from me, "Give it to me."

"Sir, I'll have to check it," she said brusquely to me. She turned to John and spoke in a more apologetic tone and gave him a slight smile (_Thought he was cute before. Now feels sorry for him that his boyfriend is a right prat_), "but I'm not sure it's going be available."

"Try," I suggested gruffly.

John nodded to the girl, and she reached for the microphone, testing it. We heard her voice echoing through the whole building:

"Operator Danielle," she identified herself and continued, "Cash register number four, unregistered item."

John held his breath and exhaled in relief when she stopped. I knew he was hoping she would not read the product over the loudspeaker. But I had been to this market enough times to know that John's hope was a lost cause.

"Request received, Danielle, proceed," the male voice sounded through the store's speakers and John held his breath again.

"Please check if this item's computed…" she began and John's face suddenly grew pale as his entire body tensed a she continued, "Durex PleasureMax Warming Condoms, Pack with 12 units, size XL."

John would not look up from the floor. I smirked as I watched the patrons staring at us.

"ITEM NOT AVAILABLE," the male voice sounded through the store speakers again.

"Thank you," the girl said into the microphone and turned her attention back to me with a frown (_disappointed that I've embarrassed my boyfriend. Wishing she had a nice enough man in her life as John_), "I'm sorry, sir. If you would please choose another brand…"

I was going to thank her for her time, but John interrupted.

"Ok. Thank you very much. I'm sorry for his rudeness," John said to the girl, pulling at my arm. John pulled and dragged me in the direction of the exit, leaving our shopping behind, "We're going to another store now, bye."

I stopped and tried to go back. I looked at the crowd of customers who were watching as John dragged me out.

"Oh, yes, thank you," I said sarcastically to the girl and turned to John, "There isn't another store near here."

"Shut up," John said under his breath and pulled on my arm again.

"Thank you! Because of you, I'll have nowhere to put it tonight!" I fumed at the girl before exiting the store, fully intending the double entedre.

John didn't stop pulling at me until they were a safe distance from the door.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?" John yelled.

"I needed those, John," I said succinctly, "for my experiment."

"You…just...you…You can't say those things, Sherlock, it's not appropriate. People assumed we're having sex," John explained, "Not good."

I just raised an eyebrow at him.

"Why? Just because I was buying condoms?" I asked.

"People already talk. I was buying wine and you appeared out of nowhere with a pack of condoms. Put your genius brain to work and put the pieces together."

"Nothing…Too hard for me," I said with a small knowing smirk.

"Oh, just shut up, please," John said, horrified, "Let's get back home before anyone else hears you."

I thought about the experiment still needing to be finished at the flat.

"Yes, and you better prepare yourself," I said quietly, "I'll need you to hold my pipe since it's your fault I didn't get any condoms to load my reagent in."

I saw John glare at me and couldn't resist smirking at my thought about the next experiment I really wanted to use John for…holding my pipe indeed…

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_He he he...I might continue with this one...Sherlock and his experiments! Reviews are appreciated!_


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